“Offer It Up”: When Suffering Is Taken Out of Context
There are certain phrases in the Catholic world that are deeply meaningful.
And… deeply misunderstood.
One of them is this:
“Offer it up.”
If you grew up in a Catholic home, you’ve probably heard it your whole life.
Say a prayer.
Unite your suffering to Christ.
Offer it up for someone you love.
And all of that is true.
But over years of mentoring married couples and individuals, this is what I have seen:
At times, “offer it up” can be applied in a way that unintentionally leads people to avoid addressing what needs attention in the relationship.
What Do We Mean by “Offer It Up”?
If you didn’t grow up Catholic, this phrase can sound confusing.
And even if you did…
you may have heard it used in ways that didn’t fully make sense.
When Catholics say “offer it up,” we’re not talking about ignoring pain or pretending something doesn’t matter.
We’re talking about something much deeper:
redemptive suffering.
This means we take our suffering, whether physical, emotional, or relational, and unite it to Christ’s suffering on the Cross.
We bring it to Him and say:
“Use this. Transform this. Let this have meaning.”
In our faith, suffering is not meaningless.
It can become participation in Christ’s redemptive work.
We can even intentionally offer our suffering:
for the souls in purgatory
for the conversion of our children
for our spouse
for specific intentions placed on our hearts
This is not passive.
It is an act of love, surrender, and trust.
Believing that God can bring grace and fruit even from what is difficult.
And because this teaching is so beautiful…
it can sometimes be misunderstood or applied without discernment.
How “Offer It Up” Can Be Applied Without Discernment
I see this often in marriage.
Instead of helping someone bring their suffering to Christ,
“offer it up” can quietly become a way to:
stay silent
shut down difficult conversations
move too quickly to “being holy” without addressing what is real
It can sound like:
“I just need to be more patient.”
“This is my cross.”
“I shouldn’t complain.”
“I’ll offer it up.”
And on the surface, that can look faithful… even virtuous.
But underneath, something else is happening.
What is being “offered up” may be:
repeated disrespect
emotional distance
lack of communication
unresolved conflict
patterns that are quietly eroding the relationship
And instead of bringing these into the light…
they may be unintentionally covered over with spiritual language.
When “Offer It Up” Becomes Spiritual Bypassing
There is a name for this pattern:
spiritual bypassing.
It’s not a term most people grew up hearing.
But many people have experienced it without realizing it.
Spiritual bypassing is when we use faith, spiritual language, or religious practices to:
move past pain too quickly
avoid difficult emotions
bypass necessary conversations
or remain in patterns that need attention
It often sounds good.
It can even sound holy.
But instead of bringing us deeper into truth and relationship,
it can keep important aspects of the relationship at a surface level.
What This Looks Like in Marriage
It can look like a wife who feels hurt by her husband’s tone or distance…
but instead of saying anything, she tells herself:
“I’ll just offer it up.”
It can look like a husband who feels disrespected or dismissed…
but instead of addressing it, he shuts down and thinks:
“This is my cross.”
It can look like one spouse continuing to tolerate:
harsh criticism
stonewalling or withdrawal
lack of emotional connection
while convincing themselves they are being:
patient
faithful
self-sacrificing
It can look like avoiding a needed conversation about:
finances
intimacy
parenting
boundaries with extended family
and replacing it with:
prayer… without communication.
It can even look like forgiving quickly…
but never addressing the pattern that caused the hurt in the first place.
What’s Happening Underneath
In these moments, “offer it up” is no longer fostering greater closeness between spouses.
It keeps important parts of the relationship unspoken, allowing:
hurt to go unaddressed
behaviors to continue
distance to quietly grow
Over time, patterns take root and continue,
because nothing is being brought into the light or worked through.
This does not deepen intimacy.
It can contribute to resentment, disconnection, and loneliness within the marriage.
Why This Matters
God does not ask us to bypass our humanity.
He entered into it.
He took on real suffering,
real relationship,
real encounter.
So when we use spiritual language to move past what is human,
we are not becoming more faithful.
We are stepping out of the very place where God wants to meet us.
The Difference That Matters
Not all suffering in marriage is the same.
And this is where a lot of people get confused.
Because we are told to be patient.
To sacrifice.
To “offer it up.”
All of that is true.
But not all suffering is redemptive.
Some suffering is a sign that something needs to be addressed.
Redemptive Suffering (What That Looks Like)
Redemptive suffering is suffering that is freely chosen in love and united to Christ.
It looks like:
choosing not to snap back in a heated moment
letting go of a small irritation instead of escalating it
being patient when your spouse is having a hard day
It’s the kind of suffering that makes you more loving, not less.
You’re still present.
Still engaged.
Still connected.
When Suffering Remains Unaddressed
Then there is another kind of suffering.
And this is the one I see all the time.
It looks like:
• feeling hurt… but saying nothing
• feeling dismissed… but shutting down
• the same issue repeating… without being addressed
• avoiding important conversations because they feel uncomfortable
• forgiving quickly… but never talking about what needs to change
And on the surface, it can look like:
patience
sacrifice
holiness
But underneath…
nothing is changing.
And over time:
frustration builds
distance grows
maladaptive patterns continue
A Simple Question to Ask Yourself
So, here is the question I want you to ask yourself:
Is this helping me love my spouse more deeply…
or is it keeping me from engaging in the relationship?
Because God is not asking you to disappear in your marriage.
He is asking you to love.
And love requires:
honesty
presence
engagement
What Love Looks Like in Real Life
Sometimes love looks like patience.
And sometimes love looks like saying:
“That hurt.”
“We keep having the same issue.”
“We need to talk about this.”
That is not a failure.
That is not a lack of faith.
That is love in action.
The True Meaning and Value of “Offer It Up”
“Offer it up” is meant to deepen your capacity to love.
Not replace it.
When it is lived rightly, it makes you:
more patient
more generous
more grounded
But when it is misused, it becomes a way to:
stay silent
withdraw
and leave what matters unaddressed
“Offer it up” is not the problem.
It is a beautiful and powerful part of our faith.
But like many things, when it is taken out of context…
it can quietly keep us from the growth and connection we are called to in marriage.
You are not called to carry everything alone.
You are not called to stay silent when something matters.
You are not called to disappear in your marriage.
You are called to love.
And real love is:
honest
present
engaged
willing to grow
Sometimes that love looks like patience.
And sometimes it looks like a conversation you’ve been avoiding.
Both can be holy.
A Question to Sit With
Where in my marriage am I saying
“I’ll offer it up”…
instead of addressing what needs attention?
Invitation
If this resonates with you…
you don’t have to figure it out on your own.
This is the kind of work I walk through with people every day,
integrating faith, emotional health, and real relationship growth.
If you’d like support, you can reach out or book a consultation @ KristinBeckChmiel.com
