Setting Priorities in Marriage

Setting Priorities in Marriage

The Sacred Order of Love That Keeps Marriage in Harmony

Week 7 of 8 – Conversations with Dr. Gerard McNicholas
From the CatholicPsych Marriage Prep Program, Gift: A Marriage Built to Last

Keeping Love in Right Order

In a world full of competing demands such as work deadlines, children’s schedules, family expectations, and the endless noise of “shoulds,” keeping our priorities in order is one of the hardest, holiest challenges in marriage.

The Church gives us a simple but profound roadmap: God first, then spouse, then children, then others.
This order does not diminish anyone’s value. It protects love from confusion, resentment, and exhaustion.

When we follow this divine hierarchy, relationships fall into harmony.
But when they do not, even good things such as caring for children or serving others can quietly take the place of what is most sacred.

I remember seasons when Rob and I were pulled in ten different directions raising children, managing work, volunteering at church and realized how easy it was to drift into parallel lives.
Every time we re-centered on prayer and our relationship, peace returned.
The right order of love always restores balance.

God First

Placing God first anchors marriage in something greater than ourselves.
Jesus reminds us: “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.” (Matthew 6:33)

When God is first, prayer and the sacraments become the compass of the couple’s life.
The Catechism teaches:

“God himself is the author of marriage. The vocation to marriage is written in the very nature of man and woman as they came from the hand of the Creator.” (CCC 1603)

Putting God first means returning again and again to the Source of love.
It is His grace that sustains fidelity, heals conflict, and deepens unity.

Spouse Second

After God, the next priority is the spousal bond, a covenant that mirrors Christ’s love for the Church.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)

The Catechism explains:

“The communion between God and His people finds its definitive fulfillment in the New Covenant.
The grace of the sacrament of Matrimony is intended to perfect the couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity.” (CCC 1617)

When couples consciously choose to make each other their first human priority, above work, children, or extended family, their marriage becomes a living sign of Christ’s self-giving love.
A strong marriage becomes the soil where love and stability take root for the whole family.

Children Third

Children are the fruit of love, not the source of it.
They flourish best when their parents’ relationship is strong and united.

The Catechism reminds us:

“The family is the original cell of social life...
Authority, stability, and a life of relationships within the family constitute the foundations for freedom, security, and fraternity within society.” (CCC 2207)

Loving children well means providing structure and affection, but also allowing them to witness their parents prioritizing one another.
A child who sees parents loving each other learns what faithfulness looks like.

Others Flow from There

Extended family, friends, colleagues, and ministry commitments are all good gifts,
but they must flow outward from the core: God, spouse, children.

Saint Paul offers a simple rule of life:
“Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Colossians 3:17)

Wise boundaries ensure that love radiates outward without losing its source.
As Jesus said, “Every good tree bears good fruit.” (Matthew 7:17)

When love is rightly ordered, it becomes fruitful, not frantic.

Bridging Faith and Psychology

These priorities are not only theological ideals, they also hold up psychologically.
In our conversation this week, Dr. Gerard explains how setting healthy boundaries and honoring this sacred hierarchy of love creates both emotional stability and spiritual peace within the family system.

Q & A with Dr. Gerard McNicholas – The Psychological Perspective

Kristin: In this session we help couples think about priorities, putting God first, then their spouse, then family. From your perspective, why are boundaries so important?

Dr. Gerard: Psychology has long shown that families function like systems, with many relationships overlapping. Family Systems Theory says that marriages thrive when couples keep their bond at the center, and that requires clear boundaries. If parents, children, work, or extended family start to take that central place, tension and conflict follow. Boundaries are not walls but healthy guardrails that protect intimacy. Spiritually, this is reflected in Genesis 2:24: a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and together they become one. The new union must become the heart of the family.

Kristin: Yes, we see it all the time in marriage prep. Couples struggle when they do not leave space for their new union to really become the center. So how can couples actually protect those boundaries in practice?

Dr. Gerard: The truth is that it begins with each spouse looking within themselves as individuals. Over the past couple decades, Internal Family Systems has helped us see that each of us carries an “inner family” of parts, protective, anxious, or striving sides of ourselves. If those parts drive our reactions, they can blur priorities and pull us away from our spouse. The work is to let the true self, rooted in God, lead their inner life, and then live that order outwardly. Psychologically, that creates clarity and resilience. Spiritually, it mirrors the hierarchy of love the Church teaches: God first, then spouse, then children, then others. When couples honor that order both within and without, their marriage becomes a wellspring of peace for the whole family system.

Closing Reflection

Setting priorities in marriage is not about rigid rules. It is about rightly ordered love.

When God leads, everything else finds its proper place.
When we cherish our spouse as our primary human relationship, our children feel secure.
And when we protect the heart of our marriage with healthy boundaries, love becomes freer and more fruitful.

Every marriage drifts out of alignment at times.
The invitation is to notice, return, and realign:
God first. Spouse second. Children third. Others after that.

That sacred order is the rhythm of peace and the heartbeat of a marriage built to last.