When Forgiveness Is Used to Avoid Accountability
People often ask me:
“What is the key to a successful marriage?”
“How did you stay together?”
“What are the most important things?”
“What’s the secret?”
After 35 years of marriage, I can honestly say this:
Forgiveness is in the top five.
Not because we’ve done it perfectly.
But because we’ve needed it again and again.
We don’t start out wanting to hurt each other.
But we do.
Because we are imperfect human beings.
Because we misunderstand each other.
Because we react instead of pause.
Because we defend, withdraw, or say things we wish we could take back.
And in marriage, that can look like:
a simple misunderstanding
defensiveness or stonewalling
criticism or contempt
lies or broken trust
even something as painful as infidelity
This is why forgiveness is not optional in marriage.
It is essential.
What Forgiveness Really Looks Like
Forgiveness, especially in the beginning, is often not a feeling.
It can be an act of the will.
Something we choose
before our emotions fully catch up.
And healing does not always happen quickly.
Sometimes:
the person asking for forgiveness must show true contrition over time
the person offering forgiveness may need to hear “I’m sorry” more than once
sometimes even many times before the wound begins to soften
This is the reality of love between imperfect people.
When Forgiveness Gets Confusing
This is where many couples get stuck.
One spouse brings something up that hurt them.
Not dramatically.
Not angrily.
Just honestly.
“That really hurt me.”
And the response comes quickly:
“That’s not what I meant.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Or:
“Well, if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”
“I’m just being honest.”
And just like that, the conversation shifts.
Now it is no longer about the hurt.
It becomes about defending, explaining, justifying.
The Moment Most People Miss
The issue is no longer what happened.
The issue is that the hurt is not being received.
What Happens Next
At first, the person tries again.
They explain it a different way.
They soften their tone.
They try to stay calm.
But over time, something starts to change.
They stop bringing it up.
They tell themselves it is not a big deal.
They try to “just forgive.”
Because they want peace.
Because they want to be loving.
Because they do not want conflict.
And sometimes because they believe
this is what God is asking of them.
But Inside
It is not resolved.
It is just quiet.
And over time:
the same moment happens again
the same conversation goes nowhere
the same hurt returns
Something in the relationship begins to close.
Not because they stopped caring
but because it stopped being safe to bring it up.
Where This Gets Confusing
This is where spiritual language enters in.
“Just forgive.”
“Let it go.”
“We’re called to move on.”
And sometimes even Scripture is brought in:
“Then Peter came to him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.’” (Matthew 18:21–22)
“If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” (Matthew 6:14)
“Love keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:5)
These words are true.
But in this moment, they are not bringing freedom.
They are being used to move past something
that has not been faced.
What the Lord Teaches vs. What We Sometimes Do
The Lord calls us to forgive.
He does not ask us to ignore truth.
He does not ask us to pretend something did not happen.
He does not ask us to bypass responsibility.
Forgiveness is not the absence of accountability.
It is what allows accountability to lead to growth.
Where This Shows Up in Patterns
These dynamics often follow familiar patterns:
Criticism: “I’m just telling the truth.”
Defensiveness: “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Stonewalling: “There’s no point in talking about this.”
Contempt: a sense of moral superiority
When these are wrapped in logic, truth, or faith,
they become harder to challenge.
The other spouse is not only hurt.
They may begin to feel wrong for even bringing it up.
Where Boundaries Become Necessary
This is where many people feel stuck.
“If I forgive, do I just accept this?”
The answer is no.
Forgiveness does not mean:
pretending it did not hurt
staying silent
continuing in the same pattern
Boundaries are an act of love.
They sound like:
“I want to stay connected, but I cannot continue this conversation when I feel dismissed.”
“I care about us, but something needs to change for this to be healthy.”
We are not called to remain in patterns of ongoing harm.
We are not called to pretend something is okay when it is not.
What Love Requires
Forgiveness and accountability belong together.
Forgiveness releases resentment.
Accountability rebuilds trust.
Without accountability:
patterns repeat
wounds reopen
connection weakens
Real love says:
“I see what I did.”
“I understand how it affected you.”
“I want to do better.”
Final Reflection
We do not need less forgiveness in marriage.
We need deeper forgiveness.
The kind that is honest.
The kind that is patient.
The kind that is willing to stay in the conversation.
Because forgiveness alone does not heal a marriage.
Forgiveness opens the door.
Accountability rebuilds what was broken.
And when those two come together, something powerful happens.
Marriage becomes what it was always meant to be:
A place where grace and growth unfold side by side.
