Beyond Money or Success: Why the True Legacy Is Marriage as a School of Love

August 27, 2025

How psychology and faith together reveal marriage as the place where love is learned, practiced, and passed on.

This week I witnessed four generations in motion: holding my newborn grandson, chasing after a toddler, planning a wedding, celebrating a 65th birthday, and sharing joy with my 92-year-old mother-in-law. It left me reflecting on legacy. It is not money or success that endures, but the way love is lived, healed, and handed down.

The psychologist Erik Erikson was one of the first to map human development across the lifespan, from infancy through old age. He described how each season of life carries a key challenge and a potential gift: trust, autonomy, intimacy, care, wisdom. While often taught in psychology classrooms, his insights come alive most vividly in marriage and family, where wounds are revealed, virtues are tested, and legacies are formed.

Erikson outlined eight stages of development, but here I will reflect on the ones woven into my own family story: infancy, toddlerhood, intimacy in young adulthood, generativity in midlife, and wisdom in old age. Together, they show how marriage becomes a school of love.

Infancy (Trust vs. Mistrust): Hope and the Gift of Trust

Holding Oliver, just days old, I was overwhelmed by the sacredness of new life. Every feeding, cuddle, and cry answered is already shaping him, teaching his tiny heart and mind: I am loved. I am safe. I can trust.

This is Erikson’s first stage, Trust vs. Mistrust. When these needs are met, the virtue of hope is born, the sense that the world is dependable. Spiritually, hope matures into trust in God and others. When they are missed, mistrust takes root. Yet even later in life, trust can be restored through steady presence and forgiveness. These small corrective experiences re-teach the heart that it is safe to love.

Trust, once planted in infancy, blossoms into independence in toddlerhood.

Toddlerhood (Autonomy vs. Shame): Will and the Freedom of Encouragement

As Oliver grows, Parker reminds me how quickly trust blossoms into independence. At 17 months, he keeps me running with park trips, “Wheels on the Bus,” and bath-time giggles.

This is Erikson’s second stage, Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt. When supported, children gain the virtue of will, the inner strength to choose, try, and grow. Spiritually, this becomes freedom within love.

When parents over-control, children often carry doubt into adulthood. The antidote is encouragement and freedom within healthy boundaries. In marriage and mentorship, these small moments become corrective experiences, teaching us that mistakes do not erase dignity but invite growth.

Years later, that same sense of self matures into the capacity for intimacy.

Young Adulthood (Intimacy vs. Isolation): Love and the Safety of Vulnerability

At 32, my daughter and son-in-law are living Erikson’s stage of Intimacy vs. Isolation. My engaged daughter, now 30, is preparing to enter this same stage through marriage, alongside her fiancé.

When intimacy is embraced, the virtue of love emerges, not only romance, but the mature capacity for self-gift. Spiritually, this is the courage of vulnerability and communion. Engagement becomes a practice ground for intimacy: learning to trust, forgive, and risk being truly known. For both men and women, it is a season of practicing vulnerability in different ways, sometimes through openness, sometimes through learning to receive.

When intimacy feels unsafe, fear can lead to withdrawal. The antidote is the corrective experience of being received rather than rejected. This often begins in friendships or mentorship, and most deeply in marriage, where choosing to be known and accepted slowly heals old fears of abandonment.

As marriage deepens, the focus shifts outward, from building intimacy to pouring love into the next generation.

Midlife (Generativity vs. Stagnation): Care and the Joy of Service

At 61 and 65, my husband and I are in Erikson’s stage of Generativity vs. Stagnation, a season that asks whether we will pour into the next generation or close in on ourselves.

When embraced, the virtue of care emerges, lived spiritually as service and generosity. We have welcomed a newborn grandson, chased after a toddler, planned our daughter’s wedding, and celebrated my husband’s 65th birthday. Legacy, I have realized, is not about accomplishments but about faithfulness.

When stagnation tempts us toward self-absorption, the antidote is service, acts of generosity and gratitude that reorient us outward. Each choice to serve becomes a corrective experience that shapes us into people more capable of love.

And finally, in old age, the question becomes whether love has left a legacy of wisdom and gratitude.

Old Age (Integrity vs. Despair): Wisdom, Gratitude, and Mercy

At 92, my mother-in-law embodies Erikson’s final stage, Integrity vs. Despair. The question here is whether one can look back with peace or be overwhelmed by regret.

When integrity is embraced, the virtue of wisdom emerges, the serenity to accept life with gratitude. Spiritually, wisdomtakes the form of gratitude, forgiveness, and mercy, trusting that God redeems even the broken parts of our story.

When despair threatens, the antidote is mercy: being received with love, making peace with the past, and entrusting everything to God. Watching my mother-in-law still share joy and love with her children and grandchildren shows me that this stage is not only about endings, but also about the grace of being honored by those you love.

Marriage as Apprenticeship: Healing Wounds, Living the Virtues

If marriage is the school of love, then the daily lessons are lived through apprenticeship: a journey that is ongoing, constantly changing, and always inviting growth. A couple’s life unfolds through seasons of challenge and renewal, often circling back to lessons learned long ago.

• Infancy (Trust vs. Mistrust): Every marriage begins with a leap of trust, the hope that the other will stay. Spouses leave behind their families of origin and dare to believe in one another’s fidelity. Corrective experiences, such as choosing forgiveness after hurt or reliability after failure, slowly replace mistrust with safety.

• Toddlerhood (Autonomy vs. Shame): Marriage requires balancing individuality with connection. The virtue of will is lived out in encouraging each other rather than controlling. Corrective experiences are found in being cheered on instead of criticized, honored instead of diminished.

• Young Adulthood (Intimacy vs. Isolation): The heart of marriage is vulnerability, the courage to be seen and still loved. Corrective experiences here come when a spouse receives rather than rejects, allowing old wounds of isolation to be healed by communion.

• Midlife (Generativity vs. Stagnation): As marriage matures, love turns outward. The virtue of care emerges in shared service: raising children, mentoring, practicing hospitality. Generosity becomes the antidote to self-absorption and restores joy.

• Old Age (Integrity vs. Despair): The fruit of a long marriage is not perfection but gratitude. Corrective experiences of tenderness and mercy transform regret into peace, showing that even the broken parts of a story can be redeemed.

Because marriage is never linear, couples often circle back to earlier lessons: rebuilding trust, renegotiating freedom, rediscovering intimacy. Each return carries greater depth. The apprenticeship of love is less a straight line and more a spiral, where wounds can be healed and virtues strengthened over time. The greatest gift we can give our children and grandchildren is not perfection, but the steady witness of a marriage rooted in God.

The School of Love: Integrating Faith and Psychology for Healing

Marriage as apprenticeship is not only a human reality but also a spiritual one. Psychology and faith tell the same story: the human person is made for communion and self-gift.

Erikson’s stages remind us that we all carry both strengths and wounds. His virtues—hope, will, love, care, wisdom—show what grows when needs are met. Faith translates these into antidotes—trust, encouragement, vulnerability, service, gratitude. Together, they become the fruits of a marriage lived as a school of love.

When needs are missed, marriage itself can offer corrective experiences: rebuilding trust after hurt, rediscovering intimacy after distance, finding encouragement after shame, or discovering mercy after regret. In this way, every stage, whether infancy, toddlerhood, adulthood, or old age, can become a place of grace.

The Catholic tradition calls this process a school of love. The saints describe the soul’s journey as purification, illumination, and union with God. In marriage, that same path is lived in the ordinary: apologizing after conflict, persevering in parenting, showing tenderness in illness, practicing mercy in old age.

This is not a cause for shame but an invitation to hope. Every wound marks a place where grace can enter and healing can begin.

An Invitation to Continue the Conversation

We all carry both gifts and wounds, and none of us makes this journey alone. If this reflection spoke to you, I would love to continue the conversation.