You Want to Do the Interior Work. Now What? 5 Honest Questions Every Courageous Spouse Asks Before They Begin

July 28, 2025

The Nudge That Changed Everything

Several years ago, my husband and I were enjoying the empty nest when I began sensing a quiet but persistent nudge from the Holy Spirit to go deeper in my interior life.

Even after more than a decade of monthly spiritual direction, I sensed something was missing. I needed a space that integrated my faith with emotional and psychological support.

I wasn’t in crisis, but like many, I had been carrying a lifetime of chronic stress: grief, multiple moves, parenting demands, caring for aging and dying parents, ministry work, and the quiet toll of always keeping it together.

Our marriage had known difficult seasons too, though we were doing our best. Still, I couldn’t keep neglecting my interior life.

So, I took a leap of faith.

I entered mentorship through the CatholicPsych Institute, where I experienced for the first time a fully integrated model that honored both my faith and my humanity.

It brought together Catholic anthropology, spiritual formation, and psychological insight in a way that felt deeply aligned and profoundly healing.

I didn’t begin mentorship to work on my marriage. But inevitably, it came up. Our spouse is the most important relationship in our life next to God.

As I began to heal and grow, other relationships began to shift too, especially my marriage.

That integrated work changed me. And it changed the emotional climate of our home.

Not because I tried to fix anyone else, but because I finally stopped abandoning myself.

It remains one of the most life-giving decisions I’ve ever made. And it's the reason I’m so passionate about the work I do now.

If You’re Wondering What “Doing the Work” Actually Looks Like, This Is for You 👇

Over the past week, several people reached out asking:

“Okay… I want to begin healing. But how do I actually do the interior work, especially when I feel alone in it?”

These five honest questions come up again and again. And they deserve real answers.

1. What does interior work actually look like?

It’s not self-help. It’s self-leadership rooted in Christ.

Interior work begins by slowing down enough to notice what’s happening inside you without judgment. It’s becoming aware of the parts of you that get activated in marriage: the pleaser, the critic, the avoider, the fixer.

It’s learning to pause before reacting. To pray instead of panic. To ask: “What’s going on in me right now?”

Interior work is about becoming the person God created you to be, through compassion, courage, and grace.

2. Isn’t this just letting my spouse off the hook?

Not at all.

Interior healing doesn’t excuse anyone’s behavior. It breaks the cycle of blame, so real change becomes possible.

When you are rooted and whole, you respond differently. You can set boundaries without bitterness. Speak truth without exploding. Lead with peace instead of panic.

That doesn’t let anyone off the hook. It simply puts you back in your rightful role as steward of your own soul.

3. What if my spouse is the one hurting me?

This question deserves discernment.

If you're in an abusive or unsafe situation, interior work is not the next step. Safety is. Full stop.

But for many, the pain isn't overt abuse. It’s long-standing disconnection, unhealthy patterns, or emotional distance.

That’s where this work becomes essential.

As you grow in self-leadership, you stop absorbing everything. You respond rather than react. You hold boundaries with love. You stay steady even when your spouse is not.

This isn’t about tolerating harm. It’s about refusing to mirror it.

4. Can one person really change a marriage?

Yes. But not by force, by presence.

Even one spouse becoming more grounded, attuned, and at peace can shift the entire emotional climate.

That’s what happened in my marriage. I didn’t demand change. I became the change.

And that created space for grace.

Over time, we became more connected, more honest, more tender. Not perfect. But more whole.

5. Do I need therapy, spiritual direction, or mentorship?

Each has its place:

· Therapy is essential when trauma or clinical needs are present.

· Spiritual direction nurtures your prayer life and discernment.

· Mentorship - especially through the IDDM model I use, offers an integrated space to heal relational patterns, reclaim your voice, and align your life with the truth of who God made you to be.

For me, mentorship was the turning point. It restored what I didn’t even know I had lost.

You Don’t Have to Wait Until It Gets Worse

If you’ve been telling yourself, it’s noble or Christlike to suffer in silence, I want to gently challenge that.

You were never meant to give from an empty cup. And you can’t lead your family or love your spouse if you are constantly abandoning yourself.

Interior healing is not selfish. It’s stewardship. And it changes everything.