Friendship in Marriage – The School of Virtue
Friendship in Marriage – The School of Virtue
By Kristin Beck Chmiel with Dr. Gerard McNicholas
Week 4 of an eight-week series from the CatholicPsych Marriage Prep Program, Gift: A Marriage Built to Last.
About the Series
Conversations with Dr. Gerard McNicholas is an eight-week dialogue exploring the integration of Catholic theology and modern psychology. Together, we invite couples and individuals to see marriage not only as a vocation of love but as a path of healing, virtue, and holiness. Each reflection draws from our work in the CatholicPsych Marriage Prep Program, Gift: A Marriage Built to Last.
When the honeymoon fades, what remains?
Friendship, the quiet daily yes that makes love endure.
It is in the small choices, the steady presence, and the shared laughter that marriage becomes a school of virtue.
When most couples prepare for marriage
They imagine romance, passion, and family life.
But the Catholic Church reminds us that the true heart of marriage is friendship.
Pope John Paul II spoke of this often, and the Catechism calls marriage a “partnership of the whole of life” (CCC 1601).
Friendship is what transforms that partnership into a school of virtue, where patience, humility, kindness, forgiveness, and resilience are learned day by day.
Friendship as Foundation
Romantic passion has its seasons; friendship is what endures.
“A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he that has found one has found a treasure.” — Sirach 6:14
In marriage, that friend is your spouse — your confidant, companion, and partner through the ordinary rhythm of life: meals and chores, dreams and disappointments, laughter and tears.
At its heart, friendship in marriage asks a simple but life-changing question:
“Will you be there for me when I really need you?”
And marriage answers it not once but again and again, saying yes over and over through daily choices of presence, patience, and love.
This oneness, rooted in Christ, is sustained not only by eros (passionate love) but also by philia (friendship love) and crowned by agape (self-giving love).
Without friendship, the other dimensions cannot reach their fullness.
Marriage as a School of Virtue
Every conflict becomes a chance to practice patience.
Every disappointment, a call to humility.
Every wound, an invitation to forgive.
“Love is patient and kind… it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” — 1 Cor 13:4–7
In my own marriage, the hardest moments — misunderstandings, fatigue, unmet expectations — became the very soil of growth.
Choosing forgiveness over resentment or patience over frustration deepened not only our love but also our friendship.
And our children learn from that. They see what it means to live friendship as a school of virtue, not by lecture, but by example.
Friendship as Stability
Romantic feelings ebb and flow, but friendship anchors the relationship.
“Two are better than one… for if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.” — Eccl 4:9–10
A friendship-rooted marriage weathers every storm because each spouse lifts the other, strengthened by grace.
Over time, that steady companionship becomes a living witness to God’s steadfast love.
A Conversation with Dr. Gerard
Kristin: From a psychological view, why is friendship so central to marriage?
Dr. Gerard: John Gottman’s research is clear. Friendship is the single best predictor of marital satisfaction and stability. It is the first level of his “Sound Marital House”: knowing each other’s inner world, enjoying time together, and building fondness and admiration. Passion fades if friendship is not there. But couples who genuinely like each other, laugh together, and turn toward each other in daily life grow resilient in hard times.
Kristin: That sounds like what the Church means by marriage as a school of virtue.
Dr. Gerard: Exactly. Jesus said the house built on rock stands firm. Friendship is that rock. But true friendship — laying down one’s life for the other — requires virtue. Living so closely exposes flaws and wounds, but those moments are where grace goes to work. The healthiest couples use them to practice patience, humility, and forgiveness. Marriage is not just about happiness; it is training for sainthood.
The Heart of It All
Friendship forms the foundation of a lasting marriage.
It provides stability when romance fluctuates and becomes the environment where virtue matures and love deepens.
After 34 years of marriage, I can say that what Rob and I cherish most is the friendship that carried us through every season.
The laughter, companionship, and trust form our truest foundation.
And in my mentorship work, I see it again and again.
When couples invest in friendship, they discover not only a more resilient marriage but a clearer path to holiness.
